I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
