I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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