One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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