don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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