If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
