btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
