dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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