I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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