the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
