I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
