If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Welp...herpes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
