Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
