I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
