just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
