i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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