i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
