Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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