Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
