you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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