The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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