I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
