I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
