I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
