the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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