Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
