You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
not ubering you a puppy
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
