so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
