i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
