dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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