Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
