How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
