I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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