Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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