i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
