You can't special order awesome
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
