I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
