just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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