Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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