you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
