My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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