im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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