i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
