started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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