I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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