Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
