Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
they're like a gay fantastic four
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
