I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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