What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
