Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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