My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
